i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
