did you get engaged???
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
do herpes really smell.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Randomize