How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
