I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
