Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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