I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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