whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
