also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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