I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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