Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize