"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
