True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I wear drunk well.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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