Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
