this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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