Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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