You're a womanizer and a bitch.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Randomize
