Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
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