So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
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