I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Randomize
