I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Randomize
