You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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