It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I have tasted many bathrooms
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
