If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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