Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize