Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
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