i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
Have you finally orgasmed yet?
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Randomize
