I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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