So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
