u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Randomize
