My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
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