So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
