1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
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