Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
