My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Randomize
