evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
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