there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
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