Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
