fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
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