A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
