I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
