she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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