Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
