I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
