Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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