he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Randomize
