I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
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I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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