Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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