I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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