you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
