Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
