Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
