so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Just pee around me
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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