cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
