I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Someone shattered a urinal.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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