I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
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