I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
