I molested 6 butterflies tonight
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
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